Lacklustre. Dull. Sad. Hurt. Tired. Teary, Hopeful. Bright. Cheery. Lacklustre.
If I could draw those words as a circle, I’d do so to highlight the cycle of emotions that I’m experiencing. Rollercoaster is an apt description. And that’s just in one day. I’m not sure if this is the dreaded Post-Conference-Downer or not, although I suspect it’s a combination of that and the past few weeks all wrapped up in a bow.
And I’m done. I’m done with feeling like shit all day. I’m done feeling guilty because I don’t have the motivation to do my job. A job that I once loved. I’m done with having to put on my game face every morning, because if I don’t, I run the risk of being tagged with a poor sportsmanship label and people thinking that it’s a case of ‘sour grapes’. I’m done with being made to feel like nothing has happened and seeing this thing become THAT. WHICH. SHOULD. NOT. BE. SPOKEN. OF.
But most of all I’m done with expecting an outcome that is never going to eventuate. All I want is an acknowledgement that I am still wanted there. An acknowledgement that I have contributed and they saw the effort I put in. But I know that it won’t happen.
And despite knowing it, I still want it. What a fool am I.
Have you ever had to overcome a huge and disappointing change? Please tell me how you got through it!!!